Troubles and Triumphs

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Troubles and Triumphs

Post by tinyhartmouseries on Fri Jun 01, 2012 4:21 pm

Hey. You guys are under no obligation to read or reply, I just need a place to journal and perhaps get a response. I've had a hard time lately and I think I need to spill. Sometimes we do! I'm not a public person so this is hard for me, I am scared that I will be embarrassed.

A lot of people say their parents are crazy. Well, mine actually are. My parents both have several medically documented mental conditions. My father is now so medicated on Lithium that he cannot function. This is the dose required so that he does not harm other people. If he has another incident of such, he can be civilly committed by the court system. I am happy that he is so medicated now. When I was growing up, I was in constant danger from him. When he wasn't about to hurt me, he was making fun of me. I don't know if he even knew my name, he just called me "thunder thighs" all the time. I believe that my inability to control my own safety, plus his mockeries, lead me to be anorexic and sometimes suicidal for close to ten years.
My mother is a whole other bag. Sometimes she would be supermom and cook and clean constantly. Other times, she was an immature monster. I (16 years old) would be the one telling her how adults are supposed function, communicate, and love, while she was the one finding my insecurities and faults and reminding me of them all the time. I feel that I was forced to raise my own mother at times, including taking her to the hospital when she had mental breakdowns. Whenever something about my life would make me happy, she would see that and be jealous, so she would bring me down in any way she could. She was jealous of my many awards, boyfriends, jobs, and college. She would only treat me well when these things seemed not to be going so well. When I was 19, their attacks got very bad and I left, fearing for the safety of myself and my parrot, amid cursing and yelling. To this day, my mother claims "I lost the privilege of living with her" because of how terrible I was.

I feel my childhood was one big game to my parents, befriending and belittling me at their whims.

I have never felt so much peace as I do right now in my life. I don't speak to my parents. Some may find that appalling, but to me, they are unhealthy for me, and make no attempts to better their own problems. I have a beautiful house, a great relationship, and a passion and zeal for life I've never known. My husband understands my situation as no one else could, and we both try daily to be good people and overcome our previous lives. Honestly, I am the happiest I have ever been. The only holdover feels like some anxiety now and then and a trust issue or two. I don't generally forgive people too many times.

My little sister just got the courage to leave too. As she was packing, my mother stood on the front porch, throwing things at her, hitting her with dishes, and screaming, cursing her name, just like trailer trash!!! I think she has truly lost it. I wish I could help my mom get healthy, but she won't help herself at all. I've hurt my own life trying to help my mother. I am so happy that my sister is safe now. I have one still with my parents, who I am scared for. She acts more like my mother every day. I hope she can wake up someday and see that life could be so much more.

What confounds me is how I came from this. I try day in and day out, to love people and be a good person. I try to live my life with logic. I don't know how much I succeed, but I am not wallowing in bad behavior like my parents have done all their lives. As a mouse breeder, I am terrified that genetics are involved and it might be inevitable that I will turn out to have mental problems. I remind myself that it is possible to have problems without being a hurtful person, and it gives me some hope. Overall, I am so happy in life but I wish there weren't daily reminders out there about where I came from.
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Re: Troubles and Triumphs

Post by kawmice on Fri Jun 01, 2012 5:24 pm

I don't have time to write a full response right now, but had to say this-

Emma- you are a wonderful person. You are incapable of being anything else. Your actions define who you are. Knowing how your patents are Will in itself help you to stear away from all that. Even if their issues are genetic, you know what to look for and when to get help to prevent them. Do not go through life thinking you may one day be like them. You lived through it and look where you are now. Just keep living "the good life" and remember that you have friends here who are willing to listen and help when we can. Happy
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Re: Troubles and Triumphs

Post by doganddisc on Fri Jun 01, 2012 5:38 pm

RI'm on a phone and will type more later but your ability to overcome hardship in your life, to move on, to accept healing thoughts and words, is what defines you. You are represented by your own actions, not your family. I don't know you well but I do know plenty of people who have not made it out of the type of situation you are describing. The fact that you have is a testament to your character.
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Re: Troubles and Triumphs

Post by tinyhartmouseries on Sat Jun 02, 2012 12:15 pm

I want to thank you guys, your words mean a lot. It's a long day by day journey sometimes. <3
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Re: Troubles and Triumphs

Post by Mrs. Beach on Sat Jun 02, 2012 3:38 pm

You have already show you are in control of your life. You will be in the future, too! ((((((((tiny))))))))

GooooOOOOOOOO, TINY!
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Re: Troubles and Triumphs

Post by thistlebrook on Sat Jun 02, 2012 4:45 pm

Mrs. Beach wrote:You have already show you are in control of your life. You will be in the future, too! ((((((((tiny))))))))

GooooOOOOOOOO, TINY!

I think Mrs. Beach has said it best! Happy
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Re: Troubles and Triumphs

Post by renapopma on Mon Jun 04, 2012 2:05 pm

Hey there. Like with other genetics, even if our parents are unusual, it is more likely than not that we will be more ordinary than they are. That bell shaped curve pulls our genes toward the middle.

Usual onset is college years. Unusual for onset after 30. A cool thing about getting older. Meds are much better now for folks who do have strong symptoms. Odds are in your favor in every direction.

I wish you peace of mind and heart. The others have said it much more eloquently but I wanted to add the science piece in for what it's worth.

Rena




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